I decided after writing the longer version for this story that I would give you both to read, on the off chance you had sufficient time for another 235 words, I very much prefer it. You can find the full story below this week’s FF entry. Hope you enjoy 🙂
The Punishment Room (100 words)
Reaching into the cobwebs Damon grasped his father’s cane and whipped the air with the familiar tearing sound from his childhood.
“Wow,” said a voice from the door, “No wonder you hated this place.”
Trudy watched, concerned. “The Tomatoes need propping up, I’ll leave you to it.”
“Trudy,” he called suddenly, pointing the cane at her. High above, a cloud passed in front of the sun and the summerhouse darkened, the temperature falling several degrees in a few heartbeats.
“Yes?” she answered nervously, eyeing the cane.
The cloud passed, the summerhouse brightened and Damon laughed softly, “For the tomatoes, silly.”
The Punishment Room (235 words)
It was strange to see the summer house again, losing the battle with nature, surrendering to its relentless force, in the very place where they had all yielded to another power, so very long ago. How ironic, Damon thought, that a place so full of light could harbour so much darkness.
Now, in the absence of the will that had held them all in thrall, the family had drifted and disintegrated without the gravitational pull of his personality, chaining them all together in the bondage of their orbits.
Until at last, five had become four, then three, then two, as they abandoned their mother to their father’s tyranny. A fitting penance, he thought, for all those terrible years that she had failed to protect them.
Reaching into a cobwebbed corner he grasped his father’s cane and whipped the air with the familiar tearing, rending sound he remembered so vividly.
“Wow,” said a voice from the door, “No wonder you hated this place.”
His wife Trudy watched him with concern. “The Tomatoes need propping up, I’ll leave you to clean-up here.”
“Trudy,” he called suddenly, pointing the cane at her. High above them, a cloud passed in front of the June sun and the summerhouse darkened, the temperature falling several degrees in a few heartbeats.
“Yes?” she answered nervously, eyeing the cane.
The cloud passed, the summerhouse brightened and Damon laughed softly, “For the tomatoes, silly.”
I actually prefer the shorter version!
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Fair enough 😀
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I think the longer version enabled the reader to sort out the relationships of the two characters, but apart from that I think I got the gist of the horrors that had taken place there. Interesting, and nicely done.
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Quite a chilling reminder of his childhood.
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I’m not sure if I believe that last line, I worry for Trudy. I like the short version but did find the longer version added some background that made the story more effective.
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Dear JWD,
The shortened version conveyed everything the longer version explained. In other words, it works either way. I love the ending.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Glad you liked it Rochelle. By the way, know how to get rid of an ear worm?
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I can’t answer that one. Sorry.
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I liked both. I find the shorter more intense, for the lack of background. On the other hand, the longer version is very sad and tragic in a quiter way. Nicely done!
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Unique take. Liked both the versions. Each has its own appeal.
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The longer version gives context to the shorter one.
I could understand her shiver!
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Like an earlier comment already sent- shorter version was more intense while longer version was more tragic. Although I will add that quite possibly mom was a victim herself.
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I agree with Rochelle. I got in all in the 100 word version–which means you did an excellent job.
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Thanks Randy, that’s very kind of you. 😀
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Just thinking about one room reserved for punishment was enough to make me shudder. Great story.
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I think the longer version was needed to explain the relationship… but I think that could be worked into the shorter version too… anyway I love the end where I feel his father’s tyranny is coming to an end…. best way to use that cane.
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Thanks Björn 😀
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This works, either way. I do think the short version is just perfect!
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Thank you 😊
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And I love the title – forgot to say that!
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Thanks 🙂
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i prefer the longer version. it has provided more meat to the story.
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