The Punishment Room

I decided after writing the longer version for this story that I would give you both to read, on the off chance you had sufficient time for another 235 words, I very much prefer it. You can find the full story below this week’s FF entry. Hope you enjoy 🙂

sp-overgrown-summer-house

The Punishment Room (100 words)

Reaching into the cobwebs Damon grasped his father’s cane and whipped the air with the familiar tearing sound from his childhood.

“Wow,” said a voice from the door, “No wonder you hated this place.”

Trudy watched, concerned. “The Tomatoes need propping up, I’ll leave you to it.”

“Trudy,” he called suddenly, pointing the cane at her. High above, a cloud passed in front of the sun and the summerhouse darkened, the temperature falling several degrees in a few heartbeats.

“Yes?” she answered nervously, eyeing the cane.

The cloud passed, the summerhouse brightened and Damon laughed softly, “For the tomatoes, silly.”

The Punishment Room (235 words)

It was strange to see the summer house again, losing the battle with nature, surrendering to its relentless force, in the very place where they had all yielded to another power, so very long ago. How ironic, Damon thought, that a place so full of light could harbour so much darkness.

Now, in the absence of the will that had held them all in thrall, the family had drifted and disintegrated without the gravitational pull of his personality, chaining them all together in the bondage of their orbits.

Until at last, five had become four, then three, then two, as they abandoned their mother to their father’s tyranny. A fitting penance, he thought, for all those terrible years that she had failed to protect them.

Reaching into a cobwebbed corner he grasped his father’s cane and whipped the air with the familiar tearing, rending sound he remembered so vividly.

“Wow,” said a voice from the door, “No wonder you hated this place.”

His wife Trudy watched him with concern. “The Tomatoes need propping up, I’ll leave you to clean-up here.”

“Trudy,” he called suddenly, pointing the cane at her. High above them, a cloud passed in front of the June sun and the summerhouse darkened, the temperature falling several degrees in a few heartbeats.

“Yes?” she answered nervously, eyeing the cane.

The cloud passed, the summerhouse brightened and Damon laughed softly, “For the tomatoes, silly.”

Advertisements

22 comments

  1. I think the longer version enabled the reader to sort out the relationships of the two characters, but apart from that I think I got the gist of the horrors that had taken place there. Interesting, and nicely done.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m not sure if I believe that last line, I worry for Trudy. I like the short version but did find the longer version added some background that made the story more effective.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Like an earlier comment already sent- shorter version was more intense while longer version was more tragic. Although I will add that quite possibly mom was a victim herself.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s